It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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