Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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