I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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