ya dads aren't the best wingmen
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
