From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
