He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Less talking, more tequila
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
