He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
