a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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