Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
