I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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