i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
