So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
