Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
