Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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