Your dad touched me again.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
