The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
