Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
this is an emotional support booty call
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
