Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
