I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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