There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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