...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
