So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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