i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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