he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize