there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
