You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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