I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
