I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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