Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
