does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
