She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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