I could have mohawked her pubes.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
