good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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