got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
