You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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