i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
