I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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