Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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