If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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