i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
