don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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