I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize