guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
