Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
