My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
