you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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