I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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