Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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