it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
