Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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