I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
