Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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