1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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