Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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