Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You're a waste of cheezeits
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
