is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize