It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
