after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Let's paint friendship bongs
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
