Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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