I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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