I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
