Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
